i am in love with california.

i’m continually being challenged these days. i thought i figured out how to put my faith, hope, and trust in the Lord, but i’m constantly struggling with lack of faith, with putting my hope in other things, and not believing that He is a God who provides. His provision and providence over my life the past 24 years has been incredibly amazing..and yet when it comes to day to day tasks and thoughts and feelings, i so often forget His goodness.

i need to keep reminding myself to remember. and to keep  remembering to  remind myself.

He is good. He is faithful. He is loving. He is gracious. He is loving. He is merciful. He knows what is best.

i need to remember. and not forget.

Paul Tournier once said that listening to God goes beyond silence, where silence is no longer an end but a means of coming closer to God.  Silence has the power to force us to dig deep inside ourselves, it involves restructuring of the person, which then leads to the discovery of underlying motives.

I don’t think I sit in silence long enough to see any of this.  I know that if I do sit in silence long enough, it will bring to surface my sin, my guilt, my failure, and my lack of trust in God and that is scary. It’s scary because there’s a realization that there are a million other things I put before God.  But in the process of all this there’s this underlying confidence that He will take my sin, erase my guilt, love me despite my failures, and beckon me to trust in Him more than anything else. It gives me hope.

Silence in the midst of crashing symbols is…hard.

Silence is waiting. And sometimes waiting is the hardest thing.

[thoughts inspired by Paul Tournier]

I have learned through the years that no matter how long I’ve been walking with Christ, no matter how many books I’ve read, no matter how many sermons I’ve heard on trials and tribulations…faith and trust in God is hard. There’s a constant struggle in truly living out my life in full surrender and trust in Him.

Someone very dear to my heart gave me this quote and I love it because it reminds me that there is nothing greater than falling in love with Christ over and over again.  In the midst of pain, His love surpasses everything and anything.

[May all your expectations be frustrated.

May all your plans be thwarted.

May all your desires be withered into nothingness.

That you may experience the powerlessness and the poverty of a child

And sing and dance in the Love of God the Father, the Son, Holy Spirit]

-Brennan Manning

After 5 long, tiring, but amazing and wonderful weeks, our time in nyc is coming to an end.  Thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers, and email…they were so encouraging .

Our students leave this Wednesday, so we are spending our last few days debriefing and reflecting on how God has moved within our lives and through our lives this summer, and also spending some fun relaxing times together.

Last week was our final times on campus and the Lord really used our entire team to share the gospel!  We planned a “free pizza and drinks” lunch event at Hunter College in hopes to launch Epic there this fall.  We had about 35-40 students come out (which is amazing considering that there are so fewer students taking summer school classes)! God led us to meet many who are interested in Epic, and the most exciting thing was that there were students who have a desire to seek out who Christ is.

I had a chance to meet a guy (we’ll call him David), who had a deep desire to know more about Christianity. Simon, Jon, Leslie, Lara and I got to eat lunch with him a few days after meeting him at the pizza event and even got to do the Soularium survey with him. David knows that he wants more than what this life has to offer, and has a desire to find truth for his life..but isn’t sure where to turn to.  He is soaking everything in and wants to join a bible study in the fall! Please pray for David as he continues to seek out God!

That is just one of many amazing things that God has allowed us to experience.

I’m sad to be leaving the students and the staff I’ve gotten to know this summer. They truly have become family.

[photograph by jonathan p. chan]

One of our students, Leslie, sharing her family story with the team.

In the Asian American culture, we see many of us who live a very performance based life.  Perfectionism is our goal. Glennis, one of our directors for the Epic Summer Project gave a talk on the Bad & Good News of Perfectionism this past week and God revealed a lot about ourselves through it.

Here are some main points that Glennis shared:

*** it’s important to remember that we fall along a spectrum. some statements are true for perfectionist and some aren’t..we are all in process!!

Perfectionist(Unhealthy Perfectionism) vs.  Person of Excellence (Healthy Perfectionism)

Roots of Perfectionism:

1. Genes and Temperament

2. Culture (shame, guilt, media, parents)

3. Family and Parental Influences: Parents are the most powerful ppl in our lives, where their actions, words, gestures, etc. affect how we feel like they love us or expect of us. especially in the Asian American cultures, they place their hopes, dreams, worth in their children’s accomplishments, which puts even an added pressure for the kids to be “perfect.”

4. Self Protection: Fear failure or loss of control, which leads people to avoid traying new things.

5. Pride.

Infected thought patterns in Unhealthy Perfectionists:

1. All or nothing/black&white thinking. Polarized categories and absolutes.

2. Tormented by the shoulds and oughts: driven by guilt or shame, concern of what others will think of you, making one mistake will make you look like a complete failure.  Often in those who have had overly critical parents.

3. Tendency towards procrastination and indecisiveness. Part of self protection…”nothing ventured nothing lost” mentality. Keeping all options open just in case we fail, so you put off important decisions to avoid failing.

4. Great underlying fear of rejection. Relationships are difficult, are irritated easily, defensive and oversensitive to criticsm, and fear losing control of emotions and/or situations.

Good News of Perfectionism:

We need to realize that we can’t reach our own or God’s standard of perfection! Our worth in God’s eyes doesn’t depend on works! (Hallelujah!)

We need to realize that we are in a process.

Strategies of Change

1. Evaluate the pros and cons of perfectionism.

2. Recognize the all or nothing thinking patterns.  Not all things in life are black and white.

3. Keep a journal. Be aware of your thoughts and tendencies.

4. Make daily small and specific goals.

5. Be a part of a community that accepts you for who you are.

I love that God is always reminding us that we are accepted and loved by Him.

We also had Sy Rogers come out to share what his journey has been like coming from a broken home, being sexually abused, living life as a homosexual, almost having a permanant sex change surgery…then to come to know the Lord and find redemption and restoration through Jesus. He addressed a lot of issues of sexuality and sexual sin that most churches in America shy away from.  He has an amazing story of how God uniquely grabbed a hold of his heart and his life, and you can go to his website to find out more!

It’s been so great to be in a great city, with great people, eating great food,  and most importantly, being part of something bigger for His kingdom has been amazing.

Here is a picture of our team walking across the brooklyn bridge

We are tired but having such a great time getting to know each other and serving together.

For campus times, we’ve been split up into two groups.  Group one (which  goes to City College, Baruch College, or Kingsborough college.  Group two goes to Hunter, Queens College, and BMCC.

Both groups went to our various campuses and “decoded.”  Decoding is to get to know the campus, the students, the student life, and everything that makes that college what it is. We’re excited to go back next week to gauge students’ spiritual interest by using various tools!

Please pray for our times together, that we’d continue to bond and grow with one another.  Also for our times on campus- that we’d all be bold and confident as we go to share the gospel!

i am currently reading anne lamott’s “traveling mercies”

pg 153 “you could tell you were in the presence of the extraordinary…”

this line really hit me.  i think that the times in my life where i felt this way was in the presence of God.  there is nothing more powerful, more captivating, and more overwhelmingly amazing than this.  i can’t think of any other human being that has captured me in this way– and it ultimately allows me believe that He is the greatest and most valuable thing/person/anything in my life.  when i feel like i’m falling away or losing heart, i have to remember and remind myself of those times where i had felt the presence of God because it keeps me where i am and always need to be– at the foot of the cross.

for the first week, i got to hang out with all those who are staffing the nyc summer projects. i especially have had a wonderful time getting to know my Epic NYC summer project team. Just to give you a glimpse into who the team is i have put together a little bio on each person. please remember that i have known these people for exactly 1 week haha.

jonathan and regina chan (project directors)

jonathan graduated from u of buffalo. he loves photography, playing football, and biking. he is fun to play settlers with but is the deceptacon of nyc (josh chen is the current deceptacon of austin). also a laker hater, but has a cool wife so i will let that slide…at least for now .

regina graduated from brown university. she is so smart and talented in many ways (but have yet to see all that she is capable of doing but am excited to find more of these out as project continues). she is super sweet, is great to talk to, and is a great hostess. i love her already for a few reasons. 1- she makes good dessert 2- she let me come over to her place to watch the laker game. 3- she is able to be open and honest about her life. p.s. regina is neutral towards any nba team.

sunny and glennis (project director) shih

sunny is serving with us part time. he is a pastor, which basically means he is the most spiritual one out of the group. he does all the praying and speaking for us. okay i lied. haven’t spent too much time with him yet–he is super nice,  genuine, and so easy to talk to. he also just got  braces (hope that’s okay to share sunny!). neutral to the lakers and is a mets fan.

glennis (project director): aka g-lo. glennis graduated from cornell university so that basically means that she is the smartest person i know, who is married to the most spiritual person i know. she is so much fun, tells great stories, creates amazing games, and am super excited to work with her this year. love our friendship already! you should also know that she will be the biggest laker fan by the end of this project.

mei ling is the rebel of the group. apparently she climbed the mountain up to the hollywood sign and touched the letters. she later found out that this was very illegal. i love how she interacts with the team- always so genuine and caring.  she doesn’t care about basketball, but love that she watched game 3 with us.

simon pang is a graduate of penn state university. all i know is that he is awesome for fixing the tv in my apartment so that everyone can watch the laker games here. however, i immediately question his “awesomeness” because he is rooting for the magic. he says he likes underdogs, just like his favorite team…the sixers. LOL , sixers? anyway, simon’s love for the Lord is evident in his words and actions. he also loves korean food. yes.

cinelle graduated from Hunter and is pursuing a career in writing. she is sooo sweet! she is filipino, knows how to dress fashionably (can’t you tell?), and is pretty much awesome. i haven’t spent as much time with her as everyone else, but i can’t wait to get to know her more.

lara b griffin. lara, lara, lara. my fellow die- hard laker fan. lara has a great sense for things..she has an amazing ability/gift to be able to see things beyond the surface. i appreciate that about her. i like hanging with her because she has a calming nature about her, where she helps everyone else in the room feel relaxed and comfortable and safe. lara knows and understands the game of basketball, she loves the lakers, and she has the cutest style sense!

that’s it for the staff team. maybe i’ll do this again at the end of project to see if any of this changes..